Guinea Pigs Online Read online

  “Don’t all squeak at once!” Olaf shouted. “I’m in charge here!”

  “Since when?” Coco asked.

  “No one squeaks to Olaf, Viking King of Guinea Pigs, like that!” Olaf glared at her.

  “If you’re the Viking King of Guinea Pigs,” Coco challenged, “what are you doing in Strawberry Park?”

  “I was sent here by the gods over a thousand years ago.” Olaf straightened his helmet.

  “Rubbish!” Coco chattered. “I don’t believe you.”

  Eduardo frowned at her. Where he came from, guinea pigs were taught to respect their elders. He stepped forward and bowed. “That is amazing. For I am Eduardo, prince of the Agouti tribe from Peru, sent here by my mother last Easter. I was meant to go to Santa Fe,” he explained, “but I got lost.”

  “Then we must fight together, my brother Eduardo,” Olaf cried. “I have many weapons in my Viking hutch. Hands up who is with me?”

  Everyone put their hand up except Coco.

  “Then come, warriors. Let us prepare for battle against the mighty IT!”

  “You go ahead,” Coco said sulkily. “I’ll stay here and watch the kids.”

  “Here—” Olaf handed her his helmet. “Keep this, in case IT attacks. And wear this: my Viking lucky charm.” He reached forward and pulled it out of the helmet.

  “Fine.” Coco put them both on. The helmet wasn’t quite her style and the charm necklace looked as if it had been made from candy wrappers. But with her bow, she thought it looked surprisingly pretty.

  It didn’t take much time for the warriors to get ready. That was partly because there were only six guinea pigs in the army: Eduardo, Fuzzy, Terry, Sunbeam, Banoffee, and Olaf. And it was partly because Olaf’s Viking weapon collection turned out to be garbage.

  “You sure this isn’t a nail?” Terry whispered, trying out his sword. It was bent. “I think someone’s hammered it.”

  “Dunno,” Fuzzy shrugged. “But this shield looks like a rusty old badge.”

  “I swear this is one of Terry’s old hats.” Banoffee tried on a woolly helmet. The orange horns drooped.

  “I see what you mean,” Fuzzy said. “Those are carrots.” Someone had nibbled them into the shape of horns and stuck them on!

  “Amigos, what do you think of my suit of armor?” Eduardo said in a tinny voice. His head peeped out from one end of a metal cylinder: his feet from the other. He wriggled. “It’s a bit tight over my satchel.”

  “Why does it say ‘Baked Beans’ on the side?” said Fuzzy suspiciously. He was beginning to doubt whether Olaf really was an ancient Viking king. Maybe Coco was right.

  At that moment Olaf appeared with Sunbeam at his side. She was carrying a sign made from a card that said: “Happy 80th Birthday, Grandpa.”

  “I knew it,” Fuzzy muttered. Olaf was bonkers if he thought that was going to frighten anyone.

  Before he could say anything, Olaf marched off. “Come, warriors!” he shouted. “This way!”

  The five guinea pigs clattered and tripped after him. They went around the bottom of what was left of the mud hill toward the gate to the thicket.

  “There IT is!” Olaf shouted.

  The builder was working his way with the digger through a clump of long grass near the stream.

  “CHARGE!”

  Olaf started running toward the digger. The other guinea pigs ran after him, except Eduardo in his baked-bean can, who kept falling over and had to roll.

  “I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” Fuzzy panted, bashing at the scoop with his badge.

  “Me too!” Terry puffed, prodding at it with the bent nail.

  “This is useless!” Banoffee grumbled, wandering around in circles a little way away. “I can’t see a thing! This helmet keeps slipping.”

  “A little help, amigos!” Eduardo shouted from the baked-bean tin. “I can’t get up!”

  “Keep fighting!” yelled Olaf, who was standing a safe distance away with Sunbeam, helping her wave the birthday card. “To the death, if necessary!”

  “That’s easy for you to say,” Fuzzy squeaked.

  “We can’t hold out for much longer!” Terry cried.

  CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!

  Splash . . . Splash . . . Splash!

  “What was that?” Fuzzy puffed. It was coming from the stream.

  “Sounded like a fish or something,” Terry panted.

  SPLASH . . . SPLASH . . . SPLASH!

  The sound was getting louder. If it was a fish, it was a very big one!

  Just then Fuzzy and Terry saw an amazing sight. The Viking longship was winding its way up the stream, rowed by twelve guinea pigs. At the far end a thirteenth tiny guinea pig was shouting, “Pull!” every few seconds in a high, squeaky voice.

  “It’s the kids!” yelled Banoffee. “That’s Blossom!”

  “And Coco!” cried Fuzzy.

  Coco stood at the front of the longship, wearing Olaf’s Viking helmet and necklace. Her new bow was tied around one of the horns. “So much for Olaf the Ever-Ready,” she snorted. “He’s more like Olaf the Never-Ready!”

  The guinea-pig crew giggled.

  “Which is why I’m declaring myself your new Viking Queen,” she announced.

  Eduardo struggled to his feet. “Caramba, princess!” he shouted. “Are we glad to see you!”

  8

  All Scooped Up

  Banoffee stared at the longship in wonder.

  “Oh, I am SO proud,” she exclaimed. “All my little ones, racing up the river!”

  “It’s not exactly a race, Mom,” said Terry. “They’ve come to attack the digger.”

  Banoffee wasn’t listening.

  “I was proud when I had so many children they could form a full-size football team. I was even prouder when I had so many children they could form a full-size rugby team, as long as I played too. But now I am the proudest I’ve ever been. The kids can row a longship!”

  The longship glided through the water. The oars looked rather like ice-cream spoons. That’s because they were ice-cream spoons, Fuzzy realized.

  Coco took a deep breath and led the guinea piglets in song:

  Row, row, row the boat,

  Gently down the stream . . .

  Eduardo looked impressed. “I love that song,” he said dreamily.

  Sunbeam looked annoyed.

  Banoffee’s children carefully steered toward the bank of the stream.

  “Mind my ship,” warned Olaf from the bank. “It’s over a thousand years old.”

  “So how come it’s got a remote control?” asked Coco.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” muttered Olaf.

  Coco lifted a plastic object from the bottom of the longship and held it in the air.

  “This is what I’m talking about! I thought it might help us in the battle. What do you think, warriors?” she called out, as she chucked the remote control in the direction of Terry and Fuzzy. They caught it and immediately started to examine the controls.

  “Crew!” Coco commanded. “Gather your weapons!”

  Banoffee’s children each grabbed an oar and a banana skin. (They’d eaten the bananas already, to give them energy.)

  “Disembark!”

  “My little ones,” cried Banoffee, hugging the children one by one as they reached the safety of dry land.

  “Niños! Children!” called Eduardo to them all. “It is time to stop this digger, once and for all.”

  “Once and for all!” repeated Banoffee’s children, lifting their oars into the air like swords. Before anyone could stop them, they charged at the digger with their ice-cream-spoon oars raised above their heads.

  “I’m not sure what sport they’re playing now,” said Banoffee, confused.

  “It’s a bit like hockey,” said Terry, making it up as he went along. He didn’t want his mother to worry. “Except instead of a stick you have an oar, and instead of a ball you have a digger.”

  “Wait for me!” cried Coco, chasin
g after them.

  CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG . . .

  The digger moved forward.

  DOING!

  The digger’s scoop dug into the ground.

  Banoffee’s children ran forward.

  Banoffee screamed.

  Coco dove for the children.

  The scoop twisted in the ground and picked up a pile of earth, several leaves, a lump of chewing gum, a pink hair clip, a five-pence piece, and one end of a worm (unfortunately for the worm). And Banoffee’s children. And Coco.

  Banoffee fainted.

  DUG DUG DUG DUG DUG.

  The scoop lifted into the air. It drew level with the window of the driver’s cab. The builder moved a lever, which made the scoop tip out its contents, but nothing happened. He frowned and tried again. Still nothing. While he was staring at the lever, thirteen little faces appeared over the rim of the scoop. Banoffee’s kids eyed up the enemy.

  “Ready?” came Coco’s calm voice from inside the scoop.

  “Yup,” squeaked Banoffee’s kids.

  “Steady?”

  “Yup.”

  “FIRE!”

  Suddenly a hail of banana skins shot out from the scoop and landed on the window of the driver’s cab. The builder looked up. What was going on? He couldn’t see out of the window!

  The builder jumped down from the cab and pulled his phone from his pocket.

  Eduardo staggered toward him, looking on in horror. What was the builder doing? Calling for help? That would be a disaster! It was hard enough fighting just one builder and one digger. What if more arrived? Eduardo decided it was time for him to take action. He called out, “Vamos! I’m going in!”

  “Be careful!” called Coco from the scoop.

  Eduardo was still wearing the baked-bean can. It was useless as armor, but it might just work if he pretended he actually was a can of baked beans. Especially with a builder who liked breakfast as much as this one did. He tucked his head inside the can. Then he fell over again and rolled toward the digger. He came to a halt just by the cab door. The builder was pacing up and down, talking on the phone.

  “Hang on a minute, Mike,” the builder said, looking down at what he thought was a can of baked beans. “I think I’ve just found some more breakfast.”

  9

  Baked Beans Bite Back

  “BUURRRPPP!” The builder waddled over to the baked-bean can and prodded it with his boot. “Mmmm!”

  Luckily he wasn’t the type to notice that the lid was off. Or that the bottom had holes in it. Or that the can had a guinea pig inside it instead of baked beans. All he could think about was his stomach.

  He picked up the can and stuck it in his pocket. Then he looked around in amazement.

  DUG DUG DUG.

  The scoop was going up and down by itself!

  “I’m never going back to that useless scrapyard!” he shouted. “They’ve swindled me with a dodgy digger!”

  He got back on the phone and stomped about, shouting.

  “Wheeee!” squealed Banoffee’s kids. They were having a wonderful time. The scoop was still going up and down.

  “I haven’t a clue what’s going on,” Coco muttered.

  She was beginning to feel quite dizzy. This wasn’t part of her plan. The scoop wasn’t just going up and down, it was rocking from side to side too!

  “Listen, kids,” she said, “I’ve got to help Eduardo. Wait here until I come get you.”

  She needn’t have worried. The kids weren’t going anywhere. They were having such a great time!

  On the next downward lurch Coco leaped out of the scoop and landed safely on the ground next to Olaf and Sunbeam.

  WAGGLE WAGGLE. “OOOFFF.” WAGGLE WAGGLE. “OOOFFF!” Olaf was dancing about, waggling his bottom and making strange noises through his nose. Sunbeam waved the birthday card, looking bored.

  “What are you doing now, Olaf?” Coco shouted, heading for the cab.

  “By the armpits of Aladdin, I am praying to the Viking gods to stop the mighty IT!” Olaf shouted. “And see! The gods are smiling on us. That is why the digger is going berserk.”

  Coco wanted to tell him that Aladdin wasn’t a Viking god and that his silly dance wasn’t having any effect on the digger, but he seemed to be having a good time; so she decided to be nice to him for a change. “Keep praying!” she shouted. “I think your dance is working.”

  Olaf was pleased. “I’ll try it this way instead.”

  He started waggling his nose and making strange noises through his bottom.

  WAGGLE WAGGLE. “PARRRP!” WAGGLE WAGGLE. “PARRRP!”

  Sunbeam fainted.

  “Quick, señorita,” Coco heard Eduardo cry from the baked-bean can. “I’m stuck tighter than an alpaca in a mouse hole.” The builder seemed so keen on breakfast that Eduardo was beginning to worry he might actually eat him even once he found out he wasn’t a baked bean.

  Coco reached the cab. It was then she realized there was a problem. Well, another problem. To get into the cab you had to climb a huge step. And even though Coco could climb, she couldn’t get up there. She needed something to wriggle up. What on earth was she going to do? If she didn’t act fast, Eduardo would be baked beans on toast.

  Suddenly Banoffee sailed through the air past her and landed on the seat in the cab.

  “How did you do that?” Coco was astonished.

  “It’s called pole vaulting!” Banoffee said. “I used to do it when I was a kid. I’ve always loved sports.”

  “Banoffee, you’re brilliant! Tell me what to do,” Coco said urgently.

  The builder was finishing up his conversation. He put away his phone. “BUURRRPPP!” He patted his stomach. Any second now and he’d reach for the baked-bean can!

  “Get that twig!” Banoffee pointed to a long bendy stick lying on the ground. “Grab it with both hands.”

  Coco grabbed the stick with both hands.

  “Go back a bit.”

  Coco went back a bit.

  “Now start running.”

  Coco started running.

  “Put the stick in the ground,” Banoffee hollered. “Now . . . jump!”

  Coco felt herself take off. She whizzed through the air and landed in a heap beside Banoffee. Her Viking helmet fell over her eyes.

  “Not bad for a beginner.” Banoffee gave her a pat.

  “Thanks! Now we’ve got to get Eduardo out!” Coco panted, straightening the helmet.

  They felt the digger sag to one side. The builder was climbing back into the cab!

  Banoffee and Coco wriggled out of the way as the builder’s enormous backside hovered over the seat. He started to pull the baked-bean can from his pocket. Suddenly Coco had an idea. She pulled off her helmet and threw it down.

  “Yowwwwwcchhhhhh!”

  The builder sat on the sharp Viking horns. He shot up again, jerking the baked-bean can sharply and dislodging Eduardo.

  Eduardo flew out of the baked-bean can and landed on the builder’s head.

  “Aaaarrrrggghhhhh!” The builder screamed. A large black-and-silver guinea pig was eating his eyebrows!

  Suddenly the digger lurched forward.

  “Are you doing that?” Coco asked Banoffee.

  The digger lurched backward.

  “No.” Banoffee shook her head. “Are you?”

  “No!”

  Coco and Banoffee slid around on the seat next to the builder. Eduardo clung on with his teeth.

  “Who is then?”

  “We are!” It was Terry and Fuzzy. They were running about outside the cab. Terry had the remote control for the longship in his paws. They took it in turns to press buttons.

  “I told you I could make any remote control work on anything!” Terry laughed. “Although it was Fuzzy’s idea,” he added generously.

  “Get me out of here!” screeched the builder.

  The digger stopped suddenly. The builder fell out of the cab.

  “Eduardo!” Coco gasped. If the builder had fallen on top of him, he
would be flatter than one of Fuzzy’s pancakes.

  “I’m over here, señorita!”

  Coco looked up. Eduardo had catapulted on to a rope some kids had tied to a tree. He was swinging around, picking bits of the builder’s eyebrow out of his teeth. Coco couldn’t help thinking how handsome he looked.

  “Grab hold of this!” Eduardo swung the rope to and fro until the girls could reach it. Coco and Banoffee leaped on. The three guinea pigs slithered down the rope to the ground.

  Olaf’s Viking dance had come to an end. He collapsed on the grass, exhausted, next to Sunbeam. “Did we defeat IT?” he gasped.

  “Yes, we did,” Fuzzy said.

  “Now I can die a happy guinea pig and return to my home with the gods!” Olaf’s eyes flickered closed.

  “Oh, get up, you silly old fool!” Coco gave him a kick. “There’s nothing wrong with you. Admit it, you’re not a thousand years old. You’re a fake!”

  Olaf didn’t answer. He was too busy pretending to be dead.

  “Never mind, señorita,” Eduardo held her paw. “You are our new Viking Queen, remember?”

  Coco blushed.

  “Well, in that case,” she said regally, “one had better congratulate one’s warriors. Get the troops out of the scoop, Fuzzy.”

  Fuzzy and Terry lowered the scoop to the ground with the remote control.

  Banoffee’s children rushed out, screaming with excitement.

  “That was the best fun EVER!” shrieked Blossom.

  “Can we do it again?” Pepper squealed.

  “You’d better ask your mother,” Coco said.

  “Where is Mom?” asked Terry. “She was awesome with that pole vault.”

  All the guinea pigs, even Sunbeam and Olaf, looked around for Banoffee.